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Creativity
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Humor | Humor | Humor | Humor | Creativity | ||||||||||||
| my life, my family |
one-liners | from the mouth of babes |
"quotes" | confucious | my life, my graphics |
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| (Rated G) | (PG-13) | (Rated G) | (Rated R) | (Rated R) | (Rated G) | ||||||||||||
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one liners
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| Disclaimer: As I received most of these thru' continually recirculating email, I, unfortunately, do not have any authors. I would love to give credit where it is due. I do know that many of these come from great stand-up comics like Steven Wright and George Carlin. Thanks to them, their amazing work and all the others that have contributed and added smiles to our world. These are in no particular order. | |
| 1 | Banning the bra was a big flop. |
| 2 | Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
| 3 | Sea captains don't like crew cuts. |
| 4 | When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination? |
| 5 | Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
| 6 | Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. |
| 7 | Alarms: What an octopus is. |
| 8 | I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. |
| 9 | Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. |
| 10 | Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. |
| 11 | Half the people you know are below average. |
| 12 | 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
| 13 | 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
| 14 | A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. |
| 15 | A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
| 16 | If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. |
| 17 | All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. |
| 18 | The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
| 19 | I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. |
| 20 | OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
| 21 | How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? |
| 22 | When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. |
| 23 | Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. |
| 24 | I intend to live forever - so far, so good. |
| 25 | If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. |
| Top | |
| 26 | Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. |
| 27 | Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. |
| 28 | Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. |
| 29 | The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance. |
| 30 | If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. |
| 31 | Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. |
| 32 | A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. |
| 33 | Definition of a will? - a dead giveaway |
| 34 | Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
| 35 | A backwards poet writes inverse. |
| 36 | In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. |
| 37 | She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. |
| 38 | A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. |
| 39 | If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. |
| 40 | With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. |
| 41 | Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. |
| 42 | When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. |
| 43 | The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. |
| 44 | A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. |
| 45 | You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. |
| 46 | Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. |
| 47 | He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. |
| 48 | Every calendar's days are numbered. |
| 49 | A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. |
| 50 | He had a photographic memory that was never developed. |
| Top | |
| 51 | A plateau is a high form of flattery. |
| 52 | The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. |
| 53 | Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. |
| 54 | Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. |
| 55 | Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. |
| 56 | When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. |
| 57 | Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. |
| 58 | Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. |
| 59 | Acupuncture is a jab well done. |
| 60 | Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. |
| 61 | Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. |
| 62 | One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. |
| 63 | Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
| 64 | If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? |
| 65 | The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. |
| 66 | I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
| 67 | What if there were no hypothetical questions? |
| 68 | If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? |
| 69 | If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? |
| 70 | If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? |
| 71 | Is there another word for synonym? |
| 72 | Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? |
| 73 | Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" |
| 74 | What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? |
| 75 | If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages? |
| Top | |
| 76 | Would a fly without wings be called a walk? |
| 77 | Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them? |
| 78 | If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? |
| 79 | Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? |
| 80 | Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? |
| 81 | If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
| 82 | Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? |
| 83 | How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? |
| 84 | Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny. |
| 85 | What was the best thing before sliced bread? |
| 86 | One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. |
| 87 | Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? |
| 88 | Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? |
| 89 | How is it possible to have a civil war? |
| 90 | If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? |
| 91 | Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? |
| 92 | Corduroy pillows are making headlines. |
| 93 | A hangover is the wrath of grapes. |
| 94 | If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comes from morons? |
| 95 | I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. |
| 96 | Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. |
| 97 | A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. |
| 98 | A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. |
| 99 | Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery. |
| 100 | If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? |
| Top | |
| 101 | If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? |
| 102 | Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? |
| 103 | Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? |
| 104 | Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? |
| 105 | Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? |
| 106 | Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? |
| 107 | Why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from? |
| 108 | Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? |
| 109 | Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. |
| 110 | Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. |
| 111 | Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. |
| 112 | Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. |
| 113 | Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. |
| 114 | Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. |
| 115 | Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. |
| 116 | Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. |
| 117 | Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? |
| 118 | Why can't women put mascara on with their mouth closed? |
| 119 | Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? |
| 120 | Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? |
| 121 | Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? |
| 122 | Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? |
| 123 | Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? |
| 124 | Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? |
| 125 | Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? |
| Top | |
| 126 | Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? |
| 127 | When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? |
| 128 | Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? |
| 129 | Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? |
| 130 | Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? |
| 131 | If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? |
| 132 | If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
| 133 | Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed? |
| 134 | Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?' |
| 135 | If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t? |
| 136 | Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? |
| 137 | How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space? |
| 138 | Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? |
| 139 | If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? |
| 140 | Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? |
| 141 | Is French kissing in France just called kissing? |
| 142 | What do people in China call their good plates? |
| 143 | Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest? |
| 144 | Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." |
| 145 | I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner. |
| 146 | I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. |
| 147 | I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! |
| 148 | Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. |
| 149 | Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted. |
| 150 | If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? |
| Top | |
| 151 | Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! |
| 152 | Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. |
| 153 | Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. |
| 154 | Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. |
| 155 | A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." |
| 156 | A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." |
| 157 | A dyslexic man walks into a bra. |
| 158 | A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." |
| 159 | Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. |
| 160 | An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. |
| 161 | Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." |
| 162 | Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before. |
| 163 | I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. |
| 164 | I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel. |
| 165 | What do you call a fish with no eyes? A "fsh". |
| 166 | Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?" |
| 167 | A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says. |
| 168 | Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? |
| 169 | If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? |
| 170 | Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? |
| 171 | Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? |
| 172 | Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? |
| 173 | Why do "tug" boats push their barges? |
| 174 | Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? |
| 175 | Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? |
| Top | |
| 176 | Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? |
| 177 | Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? |
| 178 | Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? |
| 179 | Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? |
| 180 | Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? |
| 181 | If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? |
| 182 | If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? |
| 183 | Why is bra singular and panties plural? |
| 184 | Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? |
| 185 | Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? |
| 186 | Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
| 187 | Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? |
| 188 | Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? |
| 189 | Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? |
| 190 | How do angels get their gowns on over those wings? |
| 191 | If nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the pan |
| 192 | Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. |
| 193 | Everyone has a photographic memory. Some have just run out of film. |
| 194 | Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. |
| 195 | Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms... |
| 196 | For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. |
| 197 | Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. |
| 198 | I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. |
| 199 | I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! |
| 200 | Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. |
| Top | |
| 201 | Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. |
| 202 | The gene pool could use a little chlorine. |
| 203 | I took an IQ test and the results were negative. |
| 204 | Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
| 205 | Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. |
| 206 | I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. |
| 207 | Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research. |
| 208 | Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. |
| 209 | You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. |
| 210 | Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. |
| 211 | I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. |
| 212 | Should a Mohel resign if he can't cut it anymore? |
| 213 | Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. |
| 214 | It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. |
| 215 | Do Elephants drink to just forget? |
| 216 | ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. |
| 217 | BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye. |
| 218 | CANNIBAL - Someone who is fed up with people. |
| 219 | COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. |
| 220 | EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. |
| 221 | HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage. |
| 222 | INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. |
| 223 | TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction. |
| 224 | Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. |
| 225 | Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. |
| Top | |
| 226 | THE QUICK AND THE DEAD - Two kinds of pedestrians |
| 227 | Life is sexually transmitted |
| 228 | If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?" |
| 229 | Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. |
| 230 | Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. |
| 231 | How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue? |
| 232 | One of life's mysteries - how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. |
| 233 | I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. |
| 234 | Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. |
| 235 | Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. |
| 236 | Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. |
| 237 | If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. |
| 238 | Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. |
| 239 | The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. |
| 240 | FREEDOM OF THE PRESS - wrinkle-free clothes. |
| 241 | Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. |
| 242 | Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
| 243 | Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. |
| 244 | If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
| 245 | There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. |
| 246 | Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." |
| 247 | Sign over a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in." |
| 248 | Sign on a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." |
| 249 | Sign on a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." |
| 250 | Sign at a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." |
| Top | |
| 251 | Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." |
| 252 | Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." |
| 253 | Sign on a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." |
| 254 | Sign at an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." |
| 255 | Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." |
| 256 | Sign on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." |
| 257 | Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" |
| 258 | Sign at the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." |
| 259 | Sign in a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." |
| 260 | Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." |
| 261 | Sign at a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills." |
| 262 | Sign over a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." |
| 263 | WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. |
| 264 | Impotence - Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" |
| 265 | A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. |
| 266 | A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. |
| 267 | Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. |
| 268 | The same mustard as before - Dijon vu. |
| 269 | When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. |
| 270 | Without geometry, is there any point? |
| 271 | A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. |
| 272 | A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. |
| 273 | The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. |
| 274 | I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. |
| 275 | I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. |
| Top | |
| 276 | A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!" |
| 277 | Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. |
| 278 | My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said). |
| 279 | Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. |
| 280 | If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR! |
| 281 | Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. |
| 282 | Do you get holy water by boiling the hell out of it? |
| 283 | Are what Eskimos get from sitting on ice called Polaroids? |
| 284 | Is a boomerang that doesn't work called... a stick? |
| 285 | Cheese that is not yours - Nacho Cheese! |
| 286 | What you get from a pampered cow - Spoiled Cheese! |
| 287 | What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire - Frostbite! |
| 288 | What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers - A Nervous Wreck! |
| 289 | Where you find a dog with no legs - Right where you left him! |
| 290 | The difference between roast beef and pea soup - Anyone can roast beef! |
| 291 | The type of coffee served on the Titanic - Sanka! |
| 292 | The difference between a Harley and a Hoover - the location of the dirt bag! |
| 293 | People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. |
| 294 | The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. |
| 295 | Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. |
| 296 | Rehab is for quitters! |
| 297 | The proctologist called...they found your head |
| 298 | Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film. |
| 299 | Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. |
| 300 | I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. |
| Top | |
| 301 | WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. |
| 302 | Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. |
| 303 | Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. |
| 304 | We put the "k" in "kwality." |
| 305 | If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. |
| 306 | Consciousness - that annoying time between naps. |
| 307 | Constipated people don't give a crap. |
| 308 | Illiterate? Write for help. |
| 309 | I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. |
| 310 | Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge |
| 311 | Ax me about Ebonics. |
| 312 | Grow your own dope - plant a man! |
| 313 | Politicians and diapers both need to be changed... and for the same reason! |
| 314 | Elephant Circumcisor Wanted: Pay is not great but tips are huge! |
| 315 | Egotist: someone who has taken too much Vitamin I... |
| 316 | Accountants keep us in check! |
| 317 | He was so lactose intolerant that, when having his picture taken, he could not say "Cheese"! |
| 318 | Can we cry underwater? |
| 319 | How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered? |
| 320 | Why do you have to "put your two cents in..." but it's only a "penny for your thoughts...". Where's that extra penny going? |
| 321 | Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing those clothes your were buried in for eternity? |
| 322 | What disease did cured ham actually have? |
| 323 | Why is it that people say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? |
| 324 | Why is one "IN" a movie but "ON" TV? |
| 325 | Why do people pay to go up to the top of really tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? |
| Top | |
| 326 | WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. |
| 327 | Why is "bra" singular while "panties" are plural? |
| 328 | If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat? |
| 329 | How come when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in your car, he stick's his head out the window. |
| 330 | Smile! It will improve your face value! |
| 331 | Sign over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix. |
| 332 | Sign in a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels. |
| 333 | Sign on a septic tank truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels. |
| 334 | Sign on a plumber's truck: We're #1 in the #2 business. |
| 335 | Sign at a proctologist's office: To expedite your visit, please back in. |
| 336 | Sign on a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. |
| 337 | Sign on a plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip, call me. |
| 338 | Sign on a church's billboard: 7 days without God makes one weak. |
| 339 | Sign on a plastic surgeon's door: Hello, can we pick your nose? |
| 340 | Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. |
| 341 | Sign on a maternity room door: Push, Push, Push. |
| 342 | Sign on a taxidermist's door: We really know our stuff. |
| 343 | Sign on a fence: Salesmen and hawkers welcome. Dog food is expensive. |
| 344 | Sign at a muffler repair shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. |
| 345 | Sign in a vet's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! |
| 346 | Sign in a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up! |
| 347 | Sign outside a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait. |
| 348 | Sign at a natural gas filling station: Tank heaven for little grills. |
| 349 | Sign at a radiator repair show: Best place in town to take a leak! |
| 350 | I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? |
| Top | |
| 351 | Protons have mass? I did not even know they were Catholic! |
| 352 | All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. |
| 353 | The told me I was gullible. I believed them. |
| 354 | Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. |
| 355 | My weight is perfect for my height... which varies. |
| 356 | I used to be indecisive but now... I'm not sure. |
| 357 | The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. |
| 358 | How can there be self-help groups? |
| 359 | if swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? |
| 360 | Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who cannot get his pants off. |
| 361 | Is it me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? |
| 362 | I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it. |
| 363 | She has kleptomania. When it gets bad, she takes something for it. |
| 364 | Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Fabio had? They are no longer on a first name basis. |
| 365 | How can a cemetry raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living? |
| 366 | Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? |
| 367 | What's brown and sits on stool? Beethoven's last movement. |
| 368 | My family is soo stupid - during the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west. |
| 369 | To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. |
| 370 | It is better to have loved a short man that never to have loved a tall. |
| 371 | When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose? |
| 372 | After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water. |
| 373 | Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. |
| 374 | People who discriminate based upon race are racists. People who discriminate based upon sex are sexists. Are people who discriminate against other who speak a foreign language called linguists? |
| 375 | If the afternoon dies, do we spend the rest of the day in mourning? |
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| 376 | I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. |
| 377 | Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest. |
| 378 | Did you hear about the guy who's left side was cut off? He's all right now. |
| 379 | The roundes knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. |
| 380 | To write with a broken pencil is pointless. |
| 381 | When fish are in school, do they take debate? |
| 382 | The thief who stole a calendar... got 12 months. |
| 383 | The thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement is now a hardened criminal. |
| 384 | The thief who stole corn will be charged for stalking. |
| 385 | We'll never run out of math teachers as they always multiply. |
| 386 | When the smog lifts in L.A., UCLA. |
| 387 | The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. |
| 388 | The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground. |
| 389 | The dead batteries were given out free of charge. |
| 380 | If you take a laptop computer for a run, could you jog its memory? |
| 381 | The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail. |
| 382 | A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint your and 'taint mine. |
| 383 | Is making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a pool? |
| 384 | if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does one enjoy it? |
| 385 | Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? |
| 386 | if a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled? |
| 387 | Why is the number 11 not called onety-one? |
| 388 | If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, are electricians delighted? Are musicians denoted? Are cowboys deranged? Are models deposed? Are dry cleaners depressed? |
| 389 | If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would it be called Fed Up? |
| 390 | Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? |
| 391 | What hair color do they put on driver's licenses of bald men? |
| 392 | When I was a really small, my mother used little forks and spoons. Do Chinese mother's use toothpicks? |
| 393 | Why do they put photos of criminals up in the post office? Are we supposed to write to them? |
| 394 | If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? |
| 395 | What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zig-zag? |
| 396 | Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? |
| 397 | Did you ever notice that if you put "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "Theirs"? |
| 398 | The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. |
| 399 | If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. |
| 400 | A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. |
| Top | |
| 401 | Why is that at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks? |
| 402 | No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. |
| 403 | How come no one ever says "it's only a game" when they are winning? |
| 404 | The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. |
| 405 | Money can't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in a Rolls Royce than a Hyundai. |
| 406 | My ex-wife and I got divorced for religious reasons - she thought she was god and I didn't |
| 407 | Being "over the hill" is way better than being under it. |
| 408 | Procratinate Now! |
| 409 | Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere. |
| 410 | The call is PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. |
| 411 | He who dies with the most toys,... is nonetheless dead. |
| 412 | A picture is worth a thousand words... but it uses up three thousand times the memory. |
| 413 | Ham and Eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig. |
| 414 | The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. |
| 415 | If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. |
| 416 | The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the inability to reach it. |
| 417 | How do you get off a non-stop flight? |
| 418 | If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? |
| 419 | The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. |
| 420 | A fool and his money are soon partying. |
| 421 | Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route. |
| 422 | It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them. |
| 423 | If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are girl scout cookies made of? |
| 424 | It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. |
| 425 | Experience is something you don't get until after you need it. |
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| 426 | For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. |
| 427 | No one is listening until you make a mistake. |
| 428 | If you jog backwards, do you gain weight? |
| 429 | If you take a Chinese man and spin him around and around, does he get disoriented? |
| 430 | Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? |
| 431 | Why do they call it chili if it is hot? |
| 432 | Have you ever seen a toad sitting on a toadstool? |
| 433 | Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. |
| 434 | Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have. |
| 435 | Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
| 436 | How do you write zero in Roman numerals? |
| 437 | How many weeks are there in a light year? |
| 438 | If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman? |
| 439 | If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? |
| 440 | If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? |
| 441 | Skinheads have more hair than brains. |
| 442 | Vampires are a pain in the neck. |
| 443 | Nutrition makes me sick. |
| 444 | Nuclear waste fades your genes. |
| 445 | If you nose runs and your feet smell, you must be upside-down. |
| 446 | Early birds get worms. |
| 447 | Nothing succeeds like a parrot. |
| 448 | Teachers do it with class. |
| 449 | Divers do it down under. |
| 450 | When I was born, I was given a choice: large penis or good memory. I don't remember which I chose! |
| Top | |
| 451 | Birth certificate: apology letter from the condom factory |
| 452 | My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects |
| 453 | Impotence: nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings"!! |
| 454 | Virginity can be cured! |
| 455 | Sex is like bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand |
| 456 | I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were just too small! |
| 457 | Marriage: the only way you get to sleep with the enemy |
| 458 | Australian kiss: same as a French kiss but just down under |
| 459 | Do Ministers do more than lay people? |
| 460 | Transvestite: A guy who like to eat, drink and be Mary |
| 461 | My mother's idea of a Super Bowl: a toilet that cleans itself |
| 462 | If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road |
| 463 | The blonde was worried the mechanic would rip her off but was relieved to hear her car only needed turn signal fluid! |
| 464 | Intense: where campers sleep |
| 465 | Kinship: your brother's boat |
| 466 | Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer |
| 467 | Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor |
| 468 | Minimum: a very small mother |
| 469 | Misty: how golfers create divots |
| 470 | Nitrate: cheapest price for calling long distance |
| 471 | Praise: letting off esteem |
| 472 | Relief: what trees do in the spring |
| 473 | Skier: a person who jumps to contusions |
| 474 | Sudafed: litigation brought against a government official |
| 475 | Unabated: a fish hook without the worm |
| Top | |
| 476 | Iraq, you break |
| 477 | Beards: they grow on you |
| 478 | Missouri loves company |
| 479 | Camping is in tents |
| 480 | Your retarded |
| 481 | Sex - do it for the kids |
| 482 | Prague - Czech it out |
| 483 | South Korea's got Seoul |
| 484 | Irish I were drunk |
| 485 | Denmark's the spot |
| 486 | Without me, it's just aweso |
| 487 | Earthquakes - not my fault |
| 488 | Epilepsy - seize the day |
| 489 | Laundromat sign: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out |
| 490 | London Department Store sign: Bargain Basement Upstairs |
| 491 | Hardware store sign: Will the person who took the step ladder please return it or further steps will be taken |
| 492 | Farm sign: farmer allows people to cross the field for free but the bull charges |
| 493 | Office bathroom door sign: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below |
| 494 | I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. |
| 495 | I had amnesia once... or twice... |
| 496 | Two can live as cheaply as one, just for half as long |
| 497 | Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries |
| 498 | The speed of time is one-second per second |
| 499 | Is it possible to be totally partial |
| 500 | What happens if you are scared half to death, twice? |
| Top | |
| 501 | If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? |
| 502 | If bread is square, why is sandwich meat round? |
| 503 | If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing? |
| 504 | How come we choose from 2 people for President but 50 for Miss America? |
| 505 | If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who do they call? |
| 506 | Do illiterate people fully appreciate alphabet soup? |
| 507 | Who was the first person who looked at a cow and said "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out!" |
| 508 | Who was the first person who watched something come out of a chicken's rear and thought "let's try earing that!" |
| 509 | If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? |
| 510 | Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? |
| 511 | Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? |
| 512 | The best thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow |
| 513 | A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water |
| 514 | The trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket |
| 515 | Don't change horses.... until they stop running... |
| 516 | Strike while the.... bug is close... |
| 517 | Don't bite the hand that.... looks dirty... |
| 518 | A miss is as good as a.... Mr... |
| 519 | You can't teach an old dog new... math... |
| 520 | If you lie down with dogs, ... you will stink in the morning... |
| 521 | The pen is mightier than the... pen... |
| 522 | Where there's smoke, there's... pollution... |
| 523 | A penny saved is... not much... |
| 524 | Don't put off till tomorrow what... you can wear to bed... |
| 525 | There are none so blind as.... Stevie Wonder... |
| Top | |
| 526 | Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose... |
| 527 | Better late than... pregnant... |
| 528 | Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries are dying? |
| 529 | Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? |
| 530 | Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet? |
| 531 | Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? |
| 532 | Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him? |
| 533 | Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets? |
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